I will love

"A wise girl kisses but never loves...listens but doesn't believe...and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe.

One of my teenage mentees posted this on her facebook last week and I just have to wonder...what kind of crack was Marilyn Monroe smoking, and since when was this wrapped up and dished out as good advice? Since when was stupidity sold as wisdom? I should be gentler, but it worries me that young people today, or I suppose, not just today, are on-slotted with the idea that happiness can only be had in self preservation. More like a death sentence to cold hearted isolation.

Now, let me clarify that I certainly understand where this is coming from; and am sensitive to it. The concept of it, and the affinity to it, is most likely the result of some unbelievably painful heartbreak that leaves one feeling like the nerve endings to their heart have been ripped out and frozen and then plugged back in for a nice little reminder. I get that. Been there. But what an awful thing to come out the other side saying! What an awful way to take a life lesson and toss it in the trash, put it in lock down, and give up on experiencing one of the greatest gifts in life! Would you like me to tell you how I really feel?

I love people. Plain and simple. If I didn't have people to love, if their weren't people for me to love, then life would be pretty desperate for me. You cannot ask me to partially love someone, or be reserved with how I love someone, trust me, my parents have been giving me that lecture since I discovered romantic relationships. Doesn't work that way with me. If I love you...I'll love you, hook, line, and sinker. Doesn't matter who you are either. You want to put up walls and get all tough? All the better, I'll try my hardest to smash em down. You want to be difficult and play hard to get? Go ahead...I like the challenge. I live to love people. That's my job, my passion, my gift. So when you tell me that it's safer, better not to love, you will excuse me if I disregard you. You will excuse me if I laugh when you tell me that the pain isn't worth it. I say bring it. Let me hurt, let me break, but don't tell me I cannot love.

It is what makes humans human. It is what makes life richer. It is what gives life purpose. And it certainly is what makes it beautiful. What would I have missed if I was safely tucked in isolation? I cannot even begin to tell you! I would have missed the understanding of safety in the unwavering love of my parents. I would have missed the protection and laughter of my brothers. I would have missed the friends-forever of my childhood. I would have missed the childhood imagination of romance, my prince charming. I would have missed feeling like my real life prince charming had ridden into my life and swept me off my feet that Montana winter, even though he turned me out into the cold a few months later. But to miss that? Never. I would have missed the lifelong friendships that I've built. The ones that I fall back on when things are tough. I would have missed the heady thrill of really being taken with someone...so much fun. I would have missed the needs of the kids I worked with, the things that only love can see. I would have missed out on finding someone behind a disguise, because love was the only thing that could see it. I would have missed my wedding day, my friends funeral, my Crystal's baptism, my best friends wedding, the chubby cheeks of my nieces, the broken sobs of a teenager, late night laughter, early morning smiles, knowledge of the safety of being known by another...I would have missed life.

Would I have missed some pain? Of course. I would have missed the breath taking, gut wrenching, devastation of my first heart break. I would have missed the helplessness of loving but not being able to help. I would have missed a few tears. Some sad stories. But how could I take any one of these things away and still be who I am today? How could I choose to sacrifice all that has been gained from pain? Never.

I do not fear love, or the loss of it rather. It is a part of life to love and loose. In the worlds of the famous poet..."it is better to have loved and lossed then to have never loved at all" I resonate. I will love those around me. It is my pleasure, my duty. We cannot call ourselves Christians until we can love. I hate to think what would have happened if the fear of pain had kept Christ from loving. He knew what would happen, he knew that his love would be rejected...but he loved anyway. Because it is who he is and what he does. You can tell me, that rejection is ahead of me and loss is eminent. I know this. No need to state. But don't try to tell me that the solution is in what people call independence and safety. There is no freedom in being tied to yourself. I will not take that road.

I will love.

The House By the Side of the Road

Let me live in a house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by -
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban;
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears -
Both parts of an infinite plan;
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead
And mountains of wearisome height;
And the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
But still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice,
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by -
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Sam Walter Foss

Where I find myself

I think I will never be satisfied. It's a blessing and a curse. I want to see the world, breath it in, see it all. But I want to settle in, send down roots, have a family. It is much like the concept of Yin and Yang, each in opposition to each-other, but in compliment. One cannot exists without the other. I cannot exists without both. They take turns within me. Each clamoring for my attention. Each having to take turns.


This time last year, I was packing up all I had in life, getting ready to move back to the country I call home. But it didn't feel like home. It felt like a foreign land of excess and convenience. Where my own language hurt my ears and overwhelmed me because suddenly I could understand everything that was being said. The sweet silence of ignorance had been robbed from me. I found myself searching for the sing-song roughness of the Chinese language that I had grown accustomed to ignoring. Here understanding was forced on me. Familiarity bred contempt and I wanted earplugs.


There are so many things to love about America, so many things I had missed. Like green grass, and Taco Bell, big trucks, and being able to drive. So many things you can do here that you cannot do else where and that I wanted to do. But leaving Hong Kong broke my heart. It's uniqueness, it's intensity, the memories, the people. I cried as our jet plane dipped its wings to the South and the Hong Kong skyline disappeared below me. I left part of my heart there...and I felt it leave me. When you love in life, you hurt. And I had loved living in Hong Kong.

I suppose I could have withstrained myself, I knew it was only temporary, but to fall in love with a place, or even a person, and withstrain yourself from investing your heart because of safety issues; is to limit yourself to mere surface level understanding. To get dirty in something, someone, to see all that it is, they are, is to love them. And I loved living in Hong Kong.

To be outside of my comfort zone, is to be in my comfort zone...to challenge normality. Here? here I'm somewhat normal. And its hard. Hard feeling tied to a place. Hard knowing that people expect things of me that I am not qualified to deliver. It's even hard driving two minutes to the grocery store and having my pick of five different kinds of taco sauce...hard because it's so easy. In Hong Kong, taco sauce came by an epic journey of an hour by three different modes of transportation and a mile of walking, till you found the one store, that had the one kind....and let me tell you, there was nothing better then that one kind of hard earned taco sauce.

But it's wonderful here too, wonderful because it is also unique. Only in America can you sit in the grandstands of Fenway park and watch the Redsox play ball and sing the national anthem to the flag flying under the Coca Cola sign. Only in America can you live in a four bedroom, two and a half bath house and still refer to it as small. Only in America, am I truly an American. And I love my country.

Come to think about it, I love every place I've lived. I've loved Montana because it's where I found myself grounded in simplicity and drawn to adventure. And I've loved Tennessee because its where I found myself learning how to slow down for relationships, for life. And I've loved Connecticut because it's where I found myself learning that people can change and hope is stronger then desperation. And I loved Hong Kong because it's where I found myself intoxicated with life's complexity and how small I really am. And I love South Lancaster Massachusetts, because...it's where I find myself.